I'm currently writing this with doubts in my head because I'm not sure if I should make a post or not. It's been a while since I blogged but I can't cite any excuses like I've been busy or I got no time or yada yada unlike before 'cause I chose not to do anything for almost 3 weeks. No reasons, no excuses.
Adulthood is slapping me in the face and I've got no choice but to accept it because moving forward is the only way to go. What I'm scared of is the way that things are changing and I'm scared that my skills or abilities are not enough for it. I'm scared that I may not be as mature as I think I am. I'm scared that I may not be as good as I believe myself to be. I'm scared to be a disappointment to my family and to myself.
I've always been a strong person who could handle all kinds of things as soon as they are placed in front of me, but lately I've been giving myself a lot of pep talk while doing my best to suppress the fear of the unknown. Motivation plays a huge part for me to be able to cope with new things but lately, the things that used to inspire me don't have the same effect on me anymore. I don't know if there's something wrong with me or with the things I see, but I'm sure as hell that something changed after experiencing a year at uni.
They say bad things happen for you to learn something, but I don't think I actually got something from them.
I lost the will to write and share the things I have learned and I decided to let my blog die. The passion is gone. My dreams and my goals are lost and I started to simply let the current take me to where it can. I was having problems with my personal life and academics. I pushed away those people who wanted to take care of me, who kept on saying that they won't leave, all because I felt like I didn't deserve them.
I kind of feel like I don't know who I am anymore, like I'm lost.
I moved into my new house around 3 weeks ago on my own so I can look for jobs and just be in the city I love. The way I've been feeling recently though has definitely tested my strength and thirst for independence. I'm kind of disappointed at myself for not being able to cope as well as I thought I would. I love being on my own, but with the way my minds working at the moment I don't know if it's doing me any favours.
Why am I having doubts about posting, you might ask? It's because I'm already thinking of going on a hiatus until I manage to pull myself together and out of this chaos that is going on inside my mind. I don't have a lot of readers, anyway, and I'm only keeping it for myself as a site for the things I want to express. I'm not keeping it as a business, although that's what I intend to do in the future.
... but no, I won't deactivate this blog even if I'll be too busy to update it. I'll keep it for myself and my thoughts. Let it be the dump site for my thoughts, whether they are positive or not. This blog will stay for it keeps my mind from being scattered.
Like what I always say; my blog is the organiser of my thoughts. I'd like to keep it that way.
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